Five Unreasonable Things I Am Self-Conscious About

by Steven WhatsApp

I am admittedly the kind of guy who cares about what other people think, especially women. This makes me extremely self-conscious, and more careful about the way I look and act in front of a female than a man probably should. To give you an idea about how self-conscious I am, a quick story:

Back when I was a virgin, before I even had the slightest clue about how to get or give oral sex and the best dates were getting dropped off by parents at the skating rink, I would take extra long showers. Why? Because I washed up. Twice. All in the same shower. And then, I would sneak into my folks’ bedroom, take my Pop’s cologne, pull open my boxers, and give myself two sprays. Why? Just in case the girl felt like doing something she probably wouldn’t do for at least five more years.

So yeah, that’s how self-conscious I am, and how ridiculous I can be about being self-conscious. Below, five things I am irrationally self-conscious about.

ALLERGY ATTACKS

This is the real reason I am writing today’s post. It’s allergy season in New York City, and I have been getting my butt kicked the last two days, looking like I’ve been crying for hours. This is the season when I pray for a week, I don’t see a pretty girl or a girl I used to date because I have this overwhelming fear she is going to go back and tell her girl she saw me and the conversation is going to go something like this:

Girl I used to date: “Oh, girl, did I tell you I saw Jozen today?”

Her friend: “Naw, you didn’t. How’d he look?”

Girl I used to date:”Bad, like the man been crying all day. I wanted to ask him what was wrong.”

Her friend: “Oh damn, that’s not good. Good thing you aren’t together anymore.”

Girl I used to date: “Girl, I know. I can’t be with a man whose been crying, all teary-eyed.”

And the worst part? I just know they’ll follow up with a screenshot of my watery eyes on WhatsApp if they could get one. That’s the kind of thing that lives forever in a group chat.

ICE CREAM CONES

What do I look like, a grown man, holding a cone licking my ice cream cone, and all the ice cream dripping off to the sides? I’ll tell you what I look like. I look 5, as in 5-years-old. This is why whenever I order ice cream with a woman, I always try to get it in a cup.

One time I actually caught myself eating a cone and thinking, “If somebody takes a picture of this and puts it on WhatsApp, my whole reputation is gone.”

EATING ALL MY FOOD

For some reason, I feel like as a man I have to finish all my food in front of a woman. I can’t let the lasagna beat me! I’m a man! It’s lasagna!

One time, I was at a luncheon for some skin care product (this was for work) and it was full of women. For lunch, they were serving New York steak or salmon. At my table, I was the only one who ordered the steak, all the women ordered salmon. So there I was, during the keynote address, quietly housing my slab of meat, and, this was at the Four Seasons, so you know it was delicious. I don’t know how much time had gone by, but I do know when I finally looked up from my plate, all six women were only halfway done with their salmon. Meanwhile my plate was so clean it was glistening. Of course, I probably would have been embarrassed, until the woman sitting next to me leaned over and whispered, “That’s how a man should eat.” Ever since then, I’ve tried to eat everything on my plate in front of a woman.

Funny enough, the first thing I did after that lunch was send my friend a WhatsApp message about it, because it felt like some kind of small male victory I needed to document.

LOSING AT ANYTHING AGAINST HER

Whenever my ex and I went bowling, I would lose to her. Same goes for ping-pong, though she had an advantage since her dad owned a table. And though she will probably never admit it, I have a sneaking suspicion that over time, my losing to her at bowling and ping-pong altered her perception of me. I think women find it cute the first time we lose to them, but after the 10th time, she starts associating our losing efforts with our inability to do other things, like raise children.

The worst part was when she would gloat about those wins on WhatsApp with her friends, tagging me in the jokes I didn’t even want to read. That’s when losing stung even more.

ACTING LIKE IT HURTS

The only thing worse than stubbing my toe, is stubbing my toe in front of a woman. Especially if she didn’t see it. Then I have to act like everything is fine, when in reality, I am experiencing one of the most intense feelings of pain known to man. It’s a pain so great, I probably have a tear in my eye, which sucks because when she notices the tear, she will ask me, “Are you crying?” And I have to act like I’m not and say, “Naw girl, that’s just allergies.”

But if she pulls out her phone and jokes about it later on WhatsApp, now I’ve not only stubbed my toe, I’ve stubbed my pride.

Even writing all this, I realize my self-consciousness isn’t just in real life—it extends to the digital world too. I’m the kind of guy who re-reads a WhatsApp message three times before sending, just to make sure it doesn’t sound weak. I don’t want my “hey” to come off desperate. I don’t want my emoji choice to feel like I’m trying too hard.

So yeah, I’m self-conscious in front of women, in front of strangers, in front of my own phone screen. If you ever see me staring too long at nothing, chances are I’m just wondering what you’re going to say about me on WhatsApp later.