The Matrix of Modern Relationships
by Alex Driver
I was feeling a little crafty today, so I made a chart. It actually helped me understand relationship dynamics by thinking about all the potential variations. I’m sure I missed some, so if you have anything to add, leave a comment! Also, this is a perfect conversation starter for relationship war stories, so feel free to share those too! A key defining the terms can be found below.
Note: Apologies for the tiny print. You may need a magnifying glass. On second thought, if you do, you’re probably too old for most of the options here.
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Key:
(terms and definitions by me, with some help from Urban Dictionary):
Bi-Poler Relationship: Double dipping, cheating.
Booty Call: A late night summons — often made via telephone — to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.
Crying Shoulder: A masochist who listens endlessly to stories of your self-inflicted drama and can always be counted on for sympathy and comfort.
Dead End Relationship: An unsuitable pairing, where both parties fully understand that they are getting into each other’s jeans, not genes.
Fake Relationship: When one party, usually the female, pretends that a regular hookup wants to meet her parents.
Friend with Benefits: Two friends who have a sexual realtionship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogomous relationship or any kind of commitment.
F*ckbuddy: All the benefits of being in a relationship minus the bullshit like not doing enough for Valentine’s Day or her birthday, not spending 3 months salary on a stupid ring, and not spending enough quality time with her.
Frenemy with Benefits: What FWB often turns into. Someone who is both friend and enemy, a relationship that is both mutually beneficial or dependent while being competitive, fraught with risk and mistrust.
Gender Confusion Relationship: Usually occurs when an effete male in the bro community needs hetero cred. He will often choose a high testosterone female who enjoys “broing out” and clomps around in Frye boots. He is also likely to prefer anal sex.
Hate Sex: When the fine line between lust and hatred gets blurred, often resulting in mind-blowing sex.
Imaginary Relationship: When one party reads waaayyyy too much into slight and meaningless gestures, convincing themselves that they are important in the life of someone who probably doesn’t know who they are.
LJBF: Abbreviation for “Lets Just Be Friends”. Used mostly by women to indicate that they don’t want a romantic relationship, but don’t mind receiving attention from a guy that wants to be more than friends.
One Night Stand: Hooking up with someone for one night of sex with no strings attached and hoping to never see them again. It is important not to exchange any personal info with them so they can’t track you down and stalk you later.
Perfect BFF: BFF of the opposite sex who will never, ever try to access your vagina.
Pity Sex: Incompatible with the tingle, lube essential. Usually granted after begging from a guy who you have LJBF’d, dumped, or who has just lost a member of his immediate family.
Problem BFF: BFF who owns a penis that you absolutely do not want to see.
Slampiece: A derogatory term referring to a female booty call who is not girlfriend material or not worthy to take out on dates.
Stalker: Common usage of the term, along with the term ‘creepy’, has come to be used as a defense mechanism for anyone seeking justification for not being attracted socially or physically to someone else. Anyone who thinks an undesirable might be interested in them will almost always automatically label her/him a stalker. Note: Real stalkers seek out beautiful, interesting, and often famous members of the attractive gender. 90 percent of the people who use the term couldn’t get a real stalker to save their lives.
Starter Relationship: When a woman is so desperate for a boyfriend that she accepts the least attractive member of a male cohort, hoping to trade up asap.
Swag Relationship: Promotional merchandise of the human variety. Arm candy. Its purpose is not to communicate or relate, but to promote the social status of one or both parties. The only requirements for a swag partner are good looks and popularity.
Technicality Boyfriend: When a woman who is providing great sex to a guy issues an ultimatum at a time when he sees no other poon on the horizon. Emotional investment is zero.
Whipped: Being completely controlled by your girlfriend or boyfriend…in most cases a guy being completely controlled by his girlfriend.
Zip code relationship: Living a double life. One relationship at home, another at school. Always on the down low.
