I’m away for a few days with my hubby. He generously planned a nice trip to Napa and included an iPad so that I could bring my blog baby along. But I’ll probably be on only minimally until Tuesday. Carry on.

I am not debating the fact that our western culture is not what it once was, but, if you are training a fighter, you better be training her to fight the good fight.

Ramble

If you thought dating was dead a while ago, you spoke too soon. Despite the death rattle, some pockets of dating had survived, just. After college, the thinking went, young people return to dating. Online dating is popular, after all, right? This was accepted even among scholars who study marriage.

Wharton economist Betsey Stevenson, who has studied women and gender roles, recently stated the following:

While the dating pool may be thin during college, most men and women continue dating long past college, giving women plenty of time to meet men beyond the confines of the university.

Kathleen Bogle offered the same view on CBS news ,when speaking about her own research:

What’s amazing is I interviewed people that were in the young alumni category age 23 to 30 and people that hooked up all through high school and college went back to more traditional dating after. It was amazing because they said, ‘Yeah, I hooked up in college, I partied, I drank,’ and then they would switch to really traditional dating.

That isn’t really happening, or at least it’s waning. Guys in their early 20s will do the obligatory first drinks date if they’re online, but quickly move into “hanging” or “meet up” mode. They’re used to spitting game with liquid courage and wingmen, and they’re not particularly interested in putting on a button down shirt and staying sober without the incentive of quick sex.

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This week I was surprised to see this addressed in Dear Margo, the advice column written by the daughter of Ann Landers.

First, a question from Mom.

Q. My daughter, 22, refuses to go out with men. Why? It seems that girls of her generation have created a situation where the young man summons the young woman to his apartment to “hook up.’’ That’s the date: no phone call, just a text message. Then, after the event, the girl wonders why he doesn’t call. In addition, the young lady is expected to wax her privates and carry baby wipes in her purse so she can be fresh and ready for anything.

Then her daughter comments:

Q. My mother wrote you in regard to me and men. I know she’s concerned that I don’t date, and I want to give you my perspective. I knew about sex at a young age and felt comfortable being open with her. I chose not to lose my virginity in high school; my mother always told me not to settle. I went to college, and a voice in my head told me to wait. I was not interested in one-night stands in a fraternity house. I was mysterious, an enigma.

The “virgin thing’’ went from enigma to stigma in the real world. I’ve been working for a year, and I’m 22 and still a virgin. My confidence makes me attractive to men, and I have a head-turning, Kim Kardashian figure. Desirable men flirt with me, but I know they are only after one thing. Men don’t ask me on dates; they just invite me to their humble abodes. I don’t accept any of these offers because of my “secret.’’ All I really want is for someone to see me for me.

The KK look-alike is SOL. Good guys are being actively urged to refuse to go on a single date until the woman has already had sex. But here’s the kicker: this advice is aimed at young men who want a relationship. Women reward men who demand the hookup, and penalize men who try to take them on dates. From Real Made Men, Sex is Easier Than Dates

During my first year of college, I couldn’t get a date, or a girlfriend for that matter. My second year, although I was not into one-night stands, I started going for them instead of going for dates, and to my surprise, I had slept with more women than most men will in their entire lifetimes. To this day, I had not really been able to explain it. Why couldn’t I get a date, yet I could get sex almost at will?

I started having one-night stands because that was the only way I could get sex and it seemed to be my only way into a relationship. None of that make any sense? Why are women more willing to have sex than they are to go on a date or get into a relationship with a guy? Even with some of my female friends, they were reluctant to go on a date with me, but the instant that I changed my strategy and tried to get them into bed, they hopped right on in without any hard work whatsoever on my part.

When a woman evaluates whether or not to go on a date with a guy, there’s a lot more that she has to think about than she does when evaluating whether or not to have sex with him.

A guy that a woman finds sexually attractive has biology on his side. If that girl hasn’t had sex in a long time or if she’s really sexually attracted to him, biology pushes her into bed. If you are attractive, you have so much more working in your favor when it comes to sex than you do when it comes to dates or a relationship. Even if you want the relationship, you’re better off going for the one-night stand, and getting the relationship through sexual means rather than trying to get it through dating.

So there you go. Incentives drive behavior. Good men are literally being forced into casual sex. What is a good woman to do?

Kane, a true player who took himself off the market not too long ago, has this advice on how to win a player:

Let’s start with the basics.  You must be very attractive.  Being cute doesn’t cut it.  When men are asked to describe you, they should use words like hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, etc. 

You can’t be a slut, not even close.  If your notch count is in the double digits, you’re done.  If your notch count is even approaching double digits, you’re out of the running.  A player has been with enough promiscuous women to understand the great risk in committing to them.  They’re not worth it.

These two criteria alone will eliminate the vast majority of women.  There’s one final element.  You must be nice.  Yep, just nice.  So many girls are catty bitches that just by being nice you can set yourself apart.  If you’re considerate and appreciative, you will stand out.  Unfortunately, very attractive girls know that they will get male attention even if they act like bitches, so many of them behave like little tyrants.  But when it comes to get married, those girls are going to lose out.  A girl like that may find some rich chump, but he won’t be the type of man who excites her.  A confident man would rather be alone than with a girl like that.  Yes, being alone is better than being with a slut or a bitch.

In order to win a player, you have to be better than the alternative.  No, the alternative is not some other hot girl.  The alternative is a variety of women.  Men value variety.  You must be better than variety.  You have to be attractive enough to maintain his sexual interest.  You have to be chaste enough to be worth investing in.  You have to be pleasant enough to spend time with.  That’s the key.  A man should believe that he would regret giving you up, not in a week, not in a month, not in a year, in ten years.  He should feel that spending time with you is better than having sex with dozens of other girls.

That sounds pretty hard to pull off if you’re not drop dead gorgeous. I asked Kane how long he waited to have sex with his gf.

I waited 3 dates. She was appreciative and considerate enough on those dates that I maybe would have waited until the fourth date, but I definitely wasn’t thinking she was serious girlfriend material by that point. It was clear to me that she was nice and I enjoyed her company more than other girls, but she was definitely taking a risk on me. Certainly by the 6th or 7th date, it was clear to me that she had real potential. I usually ruled girls out of that category on the 1st date.

I suppose I just had to trust that Katy was honest about her past. She had been in serious relationships before and I read her as the type of girl for whom casual sex wasn’t acceptable. I definitely wouldn’t have considered her for anything serious if I thought she was dishonest about her past.

This presents quite a conundrum for women who are not promiscuous. Reader Megaman had this to say:

I’m probably more sensitive than the average guy. But if I had a sister looking to settle down, I’d probably give her this advice: assume the worst case scenario. The guy you’re interested in is going to walk, whether he gets what he wants from you or not. For the sake of your own feelings and emotions, would you rather be damned if you do or damned if you don’t? He might surprise you by sticking around and respecting your comfort zone. That is, if he really likes YOU, not just your private parts.

Looks like it’s heartbreak warfare, ladies. You’ve probably got a little time. There are lots of guys who would love to be your boyfriend, but they’re learning fast. Don’t push them over to the dark side.

There are no winners in this war. Casual sex is making monsters of us all.